Top 12 alternative mascots for UNLV

Now that we have actually got full funding for a medical school, a top-rated law school, and a brand-new hotel college building coming soon, plainly all problems at UNLV are solved other than for that vexing mascot problem! And plainly, Hey Reb has got to go!

.?.!! I suggest, he doesn’t resemble a cartoon wolf or a Confederate basic any longer. (The mascot dates to the creation of Nevada Southern University breaking off from its Northern equivalent, and when you pit North versus South, naturally the Confederacy is your marketing model.) But in the wake of South Carolina church shootings, individuals are re-examining anything even remotely related to the Confederacy, which is exactly what prompted U.S. Sen. Harry Reid to require finding a new mascot.

Ever practical, SlashPolitics is happy to provide a list of possible alternative mascots for UNLV for the factor to consider of the public, the university and the Nevada System of College. Beginning with …

1. The chupacabra! This mythical desert beast motivates worry from the instant you initially see it. A big, lizard-like animal with huge eyes and a row of spines ranging from its go to its tail, the chupacabra apparently feeds on the blood of goats and sheep. Possibly the only disadvantage is that Southern Nevada isn’t precisely known for its goat and sheep population, meanings that there most likely aren’t too many chupacabras here. Or anywhere. OK, then, how about …

2. The dragon! Everyone who sees “Video game of Thrones” knows the dragon is the end-all, be-all monster, inspiring worry and wonder in peoples on both sides of the Narrow Sea. They can fly, they can breathe fire and they are tough to eliminate. There are some marketing disadvantages: The dragon is related to the devil in the Bible, specifically in the book of Discovery, where it makes war against the angels of heaven. Likewise, they do not actually exist. So …

3. The scorpion! Now we’ve got lots of those little bastards around this town, and they are totally actual. Their several legs and rounded tail, tipped by an agonizing stinger, influences fear, so inspect that box. The only disadvantage? Do you really want a sports group that could be related to a German heavy-metal band, an association that would damn near obligate us to play “Rock You Like a Typhoon” at every game? Yeah, completely. So …

4. The Blue Men! For evident factors, no.

5. The whale! Nothing could be more carefully related to Southern Nevada than the whale. In reality, it might be said that our whole city might not even exist without them. But the imagine of a well-off, chain-smoking, overweight Chinese traveler with a fist-full of yellow and gray chips doesn’t precisely motivate worry. So possibly not so much the whale. What? What did you think I was talking about? Maybe …

6. The Vegas cab driver! They are actual, they are all over and they certainly motivate fear in any person who’s lived her for more than 20 minutes and seen them drive! And now that Uber has actually been legislated and their control of the transport market remains in risk, they are more pissed off than normal. The Vegas Cabbies could use a full-court press at all times, long-hauling the offense up and down the court! And of course they ‘d be on the phone the whole time. Not heroic enough? Well, there’s always …

7. The actual rebels. You know, from “Star Wars.” Those men are bad ass. They defeated the Emperor Palpatine, Darth Vader and the dark side of the Force, not to point out blowing up the Death Star– twice! Simply take old Hey, Reb’s gun and give him a lightsaber and the keys to an X-wing boxer, and we’re ready to lock s-foils into attack position versus any team in the department. And might the Force be with us! OK, there might be some copyright problems with that one, so let’s put a pin because and rather consider …

8. The wild horse! Southern Nevada is known for its population of graceful, stunning wild horses, roaming the desert and enjoying their flexibility while resisting the Bureau of Land Management’s efforts to herd them into government pens by rangers utilizing a “M * A * S * H”-period helicopter. However, the absence of water and food has left a great deal of these worthy beasts emaciated, and the entire desert/freedom/resisting the BLM thing is a little too Cliven Bundy, so …

9. Hey, what about Cliven Bundy! A racist white individual in a big hat? Isn’t really that exactly what we’re trying to escape? OK, carrying on to …

10. The mobster! Sure, they’re long gone from Southern Nevada, now that much more insidious and lawless individuals have taken control of (Wall Street corporations). But time was you couldn’t swing a dead rat (the informer type, not the rodent) without hitting a member of La Costa Nostra in Las Vegas. Pinstripe fits, fedoras, violin cases and a strange bulge on the hip would complete the appearance, while “take the gun, leave the canoli” would make an incredible chant. Undoubtedly, the drawback right here is anti-Italian-American prejudice, and given that I’m part Italian, let’s forget this one and, possibly, think of …

11. The space alien! We have actually all heard the rumors that bodies of aliens who crashed in Roswell in 1947 are stored at Location 51, the remote airfield at which speculative airplane are allegedly tested. That idea was a style of the 1996 blockbuster “Self-reliance Day.” Aliens are cool, strange and who wouldn’t wish to threaten our athletic rivals with kidnapping/anal probes? Still, many individuals firmly insist that aliens don’t exist, and the Las Vegas 51s baseball group already has claimed aliens as part of its franchise, so, why rule out …

12. The desert tortoise! That’s right, Southern Nevada’s own unique animal. They are everywhere (that has not been developed into a red-roofed class or a huge shopping center that individuals insist on calling “downtown,” although there’s a real downtown already). Tortoises are cool-looking and they are perfectly adjusted for desert living. The only problems? They are slow-moving and don’t actually motivate fear, which we require. So that’s why we’re getting a ringer, a special desert tortoise. Ever come across Gamera? That corrects, people, the giant ass-kicking turtle from Godzilla motion pictures drawing back in the 1960s? Guy can fly! He can walk on his hind legs! He’s got teeth! He can shoot fireballs from his mouth, and his shell is almost impregnable!

I think we have our winner! Hey, Reb! Conform and include Mohave Max’s huge, bad sibling!

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